THE CRUSTCAKE GUIDE TO SXSW 2011

Well, it's that time of year again. While the rest of America is sucking down chili-cheese fries and getting sun-burnt at various over-priced McDisneyMarts on spring break, the world's biggest film, music and interactive festival culminates in a three-day orgy of beer, bands, bratwursts and bruises. Yer boys Andrew Wilhelm and Van Damned will be sacrificing their eardrums and livers to bring you the latest and greatest in over- and underground metal, punk and hardcore that South by Southwest has to offer. We know there's quite a few of you out there coming to Austin this week, so feel free to use this post as a guide to get you through the week. And if you see them around, Andy and Van promise to drink as many beers as you can buy them, so don't be shy! Otherwise, keep track of their progress on Twitter and Facebook.

THE MUSIC

Wednesday: And so the mayhem begins. Brooklynites clash with bartenders, vagrants clash with the vapid -- it's all-out war! Our day show pick is the BrooklynVegan and Feed the Beat party at Emo's. Not only is this Kylesa's only free show at SXSW, but it will also include The Secret, Trash Talk, The Roller, KEN mode, Deafheaven, and former Acid Bath guitarist Dax Riggs. Feed the Beat is the music promotion arm of Taco Bell, and since they know you are broke, drunk and/or high, they'll be providing free food while it lasts. There will also be free cocktails from Sailor Jerry, and more free food and drinks TBA.

When the moon rises, come back to Emo's for the Housecore Records showcase. This label is run by none other than Phil Anselmo, so you know good things will go down. Haarp, Ponykiller, Warbeast, and Arson Anthem, which features Anselmo, Hank III, and Eyehategod's Mike IX, will play the show. It's gonna be a Texas-sized brawl.

Thursday: Loud guitars and screaming is cool and all, but you gotta mix it up a little here and there. Sacred Bones, Stereogum, and Chaos in Tejas are teaming up for a day show at the tiny Beerland, displaying the weirder side of dark music. Zola Jesus will make an exclusive appearance, and Liturgy, Chelesa Wolfe, Altaar, and Cult of Youth will be playing as well. Brandon, holla at us!

In the night time, there is no question: Agalloch at the Nanotear Showcase at Barbarella. We don't think this Portland crew has been to Texas before, so show them a good time. Plus, since the mighty Yob is skipping Roadburn, you better get while the gettin's good. Chamber doom trio Worm Ouroboros, Amber Asylum, Arabrot and others round out this must-see show.

Friday: You can always count on Southern Lord to put together an awesome SXSW showcase. Friday's Power of the Riff day showcase at 501 Studios is no exception. Featuring some the younger, snottier, more-hardcore Lord signees -- including Masakari, Trap Them (EP release on SL), The Secret and All Pigs Must Die (in addition to Trash-"We'll-Play-Anywhere-With-A-Wall-Outlet"-Talk) -- this will be the show to get your phone screen broken and your teeth kicked in.

Take a deep breath, grab a bite to eat, then head over to the Dirty Dog Friday night for the unbelievably stacked Metaliance tour. This will be the show that separates the true from the false and we're fine with that. You can have your Toro y Moi, Dum Dum Girls and Wye Oak, we'll stick with our Helmet, Crowbar, Saint Vitus(!), Kylesa, Howl and The Atlas Moth. (That said, you may catch us at Billboard's OFWGKTA show on Saturday night. What's that? Not kvlt? Those LA rap kids are punker than you ever were.)

Saturday: Easily our most anticipated day show is the Profound Lore/BrooklynVegan party at Lovejoy's. Tombs will be headlining, our boys Batillus will be representing, and The Body will out-heavy everybody on the block. Other great bands appearing will be Dark Castle, Deafheaven, Altaar, Wolvhammer, Castevet, and Grayceon. An unbelievable lineup that you will shank yourself for missing. Chris Bruni and Fred Passaro are two big-time motherfuckin' husslas.

Finally, the heaviest of the heavies will level the matchbox-sized honky tonk, the Scoot Inn, on Saturday night. Head over to East 4th and Navasota to catch legendary doom maestros Pentagram and sludge kings Eyehategod, supported by Cough, Primitive Weapons, Ancient VVisdom and Naam. That's some mega-watt star power right there. There will be a very limited amount of tickets sold at the door. Can't get in? Trek back over to Valhalla for Profound Lore's showcase. (Bruni's gonna be a busy beaver on Saturday!) Legendary true heavy metal warriors Slough Feg are headlining a slew of genre-busting badasses, including Canadian noise-mongers KEN Mode, blackened crusties Wolvhammer, Castevet, Graceyon and Yakuza's Bruce Lamont. Whichever you choose, your eardrums will thank you.

THE FOOD

This is for all you fatasses and fat kids at heart.

People come to Austin for the barbecue, but none of Central Texas' finest joints are actually in Austin. (Sez Andy: "No matter what anybody tells you, FUCK THE SALT LICK!!!") Real Texas BBQ afficinados know that you gotta travel about 45 minutes down to Lockhart to Kreutz or Smitty's Market. When you walk in, the first thing you see is a pit with roaring fire. HOW METAL IS THAT? Most barbecue places pride themselves on their sauce, but Smitty's knows that sauce is false. It's the meat that counts. Smitty's signature item is their pork ribs, and eating them will make you feel as triumphant as Bathory's Hammerheart sounds. "Dry" is not in Smitty's dictionary. Their sausage links are also unrivaled, but be careful or you'll go 0 to Dino Cazares in no time. Make sure to wash it all down with a Shiner, a Lone Star or a Pearl, or, if you promised your girlfriend you were going to stay sober and not sexually assault Josh Homme, a Big Red.

There are lots of food carts in downtown Austin, but none of them can contend with Best Wurst. For $4.50, you get your choice of a plump Italian Sausage, Brat Wurst, Jalepano Sausage, or All Beef Sausage, all of which can contend for the best food in Austin regardless of price. Andy usually smothers his in tantalizing curry ketchup; Van prefers grilled onions, sauerkraut and mustard. Either is perfection on a bun. There's one outside of Emo's on 6th and Red River, and another on 6th and San Jacinto, and both are equally excellent for your phallic food product cravings.

Some of you might have run afoul of the po-po for getting up on that MD 20/20 outside the club -- it's even more embarrassing when you get busted for this by a horse cop, like Andy's nameless friend did -- so if you want some hooch with your encased meats, get on down to Frank on 4th and Colorado. They have an eclectic array of sausages, including The Notorious P.I.G., a glutton's dream with a pork, bacon, jalapeno & sage sausage topped with mac and cheese and barbecue sauce. There's also bacon-infused liquors for you to drink. If that's too weird, they've got Live Oak Hefewizen, aka the greatest beer on earth, on tap.

If pizza's your thing, there are lots of great options. People coming from NY may want to skip this section, as they will never be convinced that Texans can match them at their game. When you're downtown, your best bet is Hoboken Pie. It's cheap and delicious whether you've been drinking Pearl and Tito's all day or made a sXe vow in blood. Another winner is Stoney's, so-named because ... well, you'll figure it out. Of course, no metalhead's trip to Austin is complete without visiting Hoek's Death Metal Pizza on 6th. They've got bands from open to close all week long, so stop in for a slice of brutal hamburger and onion. If you happen be around SoCo, Home Slice Pizza is the king of all kings. Their pizza is nearly perfect: crisp, thin crust, but not that cracker bullshit, fresh ingredients and piping hot. You can't go wrong with a classic pepperoni and mushroom pie, though their white clam pie is nothing to scoff at.

This being Austin, there are, of course, plenty of vegetarian-friendly options available. Kebabalicious at 7th and Trinity is an oasis of falafel, hummus, schwarma and gyros in a desert of artery-clogging, greasy goodness.

And if you happen to encounter an increasingly rare species known as the Loaded Record Exec, con him into taking you and your buzz band buddies to Uchi. You have to be ballin' like your driver's license says Sean Combs to go there, but why not exploit the dying record industry in the name of the best sushi in the country?

FINAL WORD

Pretty much every open space in downtown Austin -- street corners, alley ways, back rooms, patios, rooftops, parking lots, bridges, overpasses, bus stops -- will be given over to live music, in addition to the hundreds of bars, clubs, taverns, watering holes and speakeasies. If this is your first SXSW, do yourself a favor and take a few hours just to wander around. You're bound to come across something worthwhile -- whether it be a kickass band, a free beer or a cute girl or handsome guy. Bring some good walking shoes and drink it all in. There's nothing like it in the world.