July 28, 2010


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by Andrew Wilhelm (CHI)

Living in our empires of brick, steel, concrete, and most of all plastic, we forget we are animals. Kill to survive, fuck to conquer, abiding only by the laws of nature. Sure, we can create skyscrapers and philosophize on concepts such as "Fuckin' magnets, how do they work," but are we really different from the untamed animals we supposidly dominate? Evolutionary psychologist and musician Blackie Lawless sought answers to this question, and in 1984, he, along with his research team W.A.S.P., published his findings as a single, "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)." Nature must have not been ready for his revelations that, yes, we are animals, and we like to fuck like beasts. But why confine yourself to the ivory tower of academia when you can score bitches and rock out to thousands of fans worldwide with your research? W.A.S.P. gained greater recognition with their studies on how animals adapt to different habitats ("Blind in Texas") and forays into motivational speaking ("I Wanna Be Somebody"), but "Animal" was their crossover into popular science. Lawless, with a modified research team, returned to the topic of "Animal" in 1987's "The Manimal," but has since abandoned his scientific career in favor of political punditry. Chris Holmes, a former scientist associated with W.A.S.P., never recovered from a shocking confession that he was an alcoholic.

Turn this up when you're getting "9.5.-N.A.S.T.Y." with that special someone.


Anonymous said...

fuck Blackie Lawless, idiotic mixed up conservative

Carm said...

Isn't it such a weird phenomenon that 80's metallers like Blackie Lawless and Dee Snider went conservative the past decade despite the fact that it was the neo-conservative movement that wanted metal to be banned in the 80's culture wars? Oh how times have changed.

I won't be surprised if Kip Winger comes out a conservative and advocates tough penalties for pedophiles.

Anonymous said...

exactly, like I said "mixed up"